Dear Professor Brad Blackstone,
My name is Tan Jun Yang, Lester, currently a first year Mechanical Design and Manufacturing Engineering student in Singapore Institute of Technology. My first exposure to engineering started when I was chosen for an aerospace competition in secondary school. This piqued my interest toward engineering, leading me to choose Aerospace and Robotics Engineering in Nanyang Polytechnic. My passion towards engineering peaked when I was doing my Final Year Project in Nanyang Polytechnic. It was an individual project about designing a wheelchair that can turn into a bed. The project allows me to hone my creativity, 3D modeling, and problem-solving abilities. I had a lot of joy working on this project, and it really sparked my interest in engineering.
Firstly, being a medic when I was serving national service really developed my decision making skills. Whenever there was an emergency, I had to access the patient and plan the treatment and evacuation in a short amount of time. It really tested my ability to make quick decisions in situations that were unexpected.
Next I have to admit that I have a fear of public speaking. I am not confident in speaking to a larger group of people, so much that it intimidates me. Whenever I have to present, my body starts to shiver and my mind just stops working. Everything I prepare and memorize for the presentation would not come out of my mouth as I plan/want. However I think that I am good at active listening. Many of my friends like to come and share their personal stories, trusting that I will be able to listen to them well, keep the conversation going and respond appropriately.
Lastly, my goal for this module is to improve my confidence in public speaking as it has been a huge weakness of mine for very long. I also hope to be able to write reports and letters better. I noticed that my passed letter and reports have not been very good with lots to improve on and I believe that being able to change that will be very beneficial for me in my career and life.
I look forward to lesson, hoping to further improve myself
Your Sincerely,
Tan Jun Yang, Lester
The overall content is good and the language used is appropriate. I think it is a wise choice to use sincerely at the end of the article.
ReplyDeleteHowever I also identified some grammar errors such as "I look forward to lesson "
All in all it is a very professional self introduction.
Hi Chris, thanks for feedback. I will improve on the grammar mistake.
DeleteDear Lester,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this self-critical and fairly detailed letter. The content is in line with the assignment brief and you provide supporting information for each specific content area. We readers certainly gain a better understanding of the person you are.
In the discussion of how your focus in engineering developed, for example, you mention your early participation in an aerospace competition. It would have been good to explain that by stating what you actually did to compete.
What I also like in this post is that you demonstrate a willingness to improve in areas like presenting and writing. Here are a few expression issues to take note of:
1. overuse of capital letters
2. verb use
-- The project helps me improve my creativity, 3D modeling, and problem solving skills. I had fun doing this project and it really heightened my love for engineering. > (inconsistent verb tense use)
-- ... as it is a huge weakness of mine.... > (tense: use the present perfect) as it has been a huge weakness of mine
3. use of transitions
-- a need for transition words or phrases at the start of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs
4. sentence structure
-- Everything I prepare and memorize for the presentation, it would not come out of my mouth as I wanted to. >
Everything I prepare and memorize for the presentation would not come out of my mouth as I plan/want.
-- However on the other side of the table in communication,listening. > (fragment, incorrect punctuation) ?
-- I noticed that my passed letter and reports have been very good with lots to improve on.and I believe that being able to change that will be very beneficial for me in my career and life. > ?
I'd be happy to explain any of these points if you have questions. Let's refine this.
Best wishes,
Brad
Hi Professor Brad, Thanks for the advice. I will take note and improve on the expression issue.
ReplyDelete